Since it appears that I am now a "major rightwing blogger," and a popular visit for liberal blog-trolls everywhere, I figure that it's only proper that I start behaving like one.
Before I begin, I'd like to thank Garfield Ridge regular reader DB for the inspiration to play the part that I was born to play. Ready? Let's roll (see, rightwingers say that all the time).
As the post says, liberals eat conservative children for fuel. What, you think those public schools are for learning? Fools. Conservatives go in, kashi and soy products come out. But don't expect to hear about this on Air America. (Uh, not because they're liberals, but because they're running out of money).
Oh, and liberal women have small brains. It's a fact, it's science. NOW tries to argue against it, but there's a reason they don't succeed-- small brains.
The War? Yup, you guessed it-- a rightwing plot. But it's not a plot to raise oil revenues-- it's a plot to sell more hybrid cars.
See, the Bush Family made a deal with the Grays: in return for letting the Slender Ones Of Infinite Power mutilate all the cows they can handle, Republicans get alien weapons technology in return. But before they can use this alien technology for its intended purpose-- to vaporize small brown children-- they naturally have to test it, to see if it works. Hence, they're teaming up with Big Business in order to put this technology into hybrid vehicles, where one day soon all the environmental liberals driving them will be instantly vaporized, killing two birds with one stone: finally proving the weapons work, and incinerating Ed Begley, Jr.
But you may say, "Dave-- it's foreign auto companies that are investing in hybrids, not American companies, so how do the Republicans control them?"
Fair question, easy answer: American auto companies have unions, which are liberal spies. Japanese car companies, on the other hand, are owned by the Jews. And Jews always support Republicans, unless they live in America, where they instead vote for Democrats to trick the liberals into thinking they're like them.
Got all that? Good, because Karl Rove is reading this, and he wants to make sure you're paying attention or else it's off to Gitmo for the lot of you.
And if you hadn't heard the truth about Gitmo, let me tell you now-- nowhere else will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. You know what they do to peace-loving Muslim protesters? Two words: freak dancing. Yes, it's horrible torture, it scars you for life.
BTW, Republicans label these upstanding paragons of Islamic virtue "terrorists" in order to make them look as bad as anti-abortion activists. For we all know that, regardless of whatever lies the white man has fed us about the U.S. Constitution, the core foundation of our Republic has always been the right to cheap, plentiful, and safe (for the mother, at least) abortion. Why, I hear that's why Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton-- Hamilton wouldn't let Burr get an abortion. True story, I read it in The Nation (slogan: "It could be worse, we could be Mother Jones").
Seriously, it was there, right after that piece about how Hillary! heals sick Alaskan fish simply by dipping her man-calves in the cool waters of the Pacific. Poof, the bumps disappear, just like that.
Anyway, you may all be wondering why, as a major rightwing blogger, I am revealing all these details. Well, frankly, I have nothing to fear from liberals. It's only a matter of time until Bushhitler's stormtroopers round them all up. In the meantime, I can relax here in my comfy chair, drinking my scotch and stubbing my cigar out on the back of the El Salvadoran "migrant worker" provided to me free-of-charge by Big Business.
Hey, one has to maximize the free time-- I can't spend all day thinking up new ways to oppress and exploit women, minorities and children.
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This posting was made on my personal computer.
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