Garfield Ridge

Ahhh, The Joy Of Work.

Had a HUGE briefing planned for this morning. Worked on it for two weeks, coordinated it with everybody and their mother, finally was standing in front of the door of the man I was about to present everything to. . . only to have it postponed two minutes before I was going in.

Hurry up and wait. . . I so do love it here!

Whatever, it comes with the territory. At least now, if I'm gonna get bumped, I'd rather get bumped by a Deputy Under Secretary than by an Air Force Colonel any day. It's MUCH easier on the ego.

Guess I now have time to grab some ramen noodles.

Yup, this is my life, 2007.

How To Fork Your Own Tongue.

You know, in case you're really desperate for the lizard look, but aren't smart enough to get a professional piercing artist to do it.

What am I saying? If you're stupid enough to split your own tongue, you're definitely dumb enough to do it yourself.

These Are Not The Drunks You're Looking For.

What if the Jedi had keg parties? This video shows what could happen.

(Potentially NSFW on account of f-bombs).

Why Are Women This Crazy?

Hey, I'll be the first to admit: I don't take breakups well.

But I think we can all agree: only chicks do this sort of thing.



The best comment about Miss Spears over at WWTD: "Bullets won't stop that. Only prayers and the magic of dance."

I just don't get it. I mean, c'mon Britney-- your ex-husband is K-Fed. The *entire free world* thinks you can do better than him in line for tater tots at the Sonic, and we don't even *like you* very much. At least not since you gained the gut, began chain smoking, popped out two kids, started hanging out with Paris the Wonder Scab, and all the rest.

But let's be honest: even as high-grade looney as Britney is right now, there's simply NO WAY she's a worse parent than K-Fed, who'd probably sell his kids on Craigslist in order to score enough money for a "Don't Cha (Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me)" ringtone.

Chimpanzees Using Spears To Hunt.

Man the barricades, the ape revolution is nigh:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Chimpanzees have been seen using spears to hunt bush babies, U.S. researchers said on Thursday in a study that demonstrates a whole new level of tool use and planning by our closest living relatives.

Perhaps even more intriguing, it was only the females who fashioned and used the wooden spears, Jill Pruetz and Paco Bertolani of Iowa State University reported.

Bertolani saw an adolescent female chimp use a spear to stab a bush baby as it slept in a tree hollow, pull it out and eat it.

Women hunting with spears? But they can't even drive!

Pruetz noted that male chimps never used the spears. She believes the males use their greater strength and size to grab food and kill prey more easily, so the females must come up with other methods.

"That to me was just as intriguing if not even more so," Pruetz said.

The spear-hunting occurred when the group was foraging together, again unchimplike behavior that might produce more competition between males and females, she said.

Maybe females invented weapons for hunting, Pruetz said.

Hmmm, perhaps. After all, what is hunting but another word for shopping?

Great. The apes are about to rise up against humanity, and it's gonna be the female apes who lead them. Not only will we be degraded by having to answer to monkeys, but we'll have to answer to *chick* monkeys.


Dammit, I bet our new ape overladies are gonna demand foreplay.

H/T for the link to Scott, who once saw an ape eat an octopus, but never saw no phantom Russian submarine.

Kudos To Prince Harry.

"There's no way I'm going to put myself through Sandhurst and then sit on my arse back home while my boys are out fighting for their country," he said in an interview to mark his 21st birthday. "That may sound very patriotic, but it's true."

It's gotten all the press it deserves already, but I have my two cents still to offer.

First, William may get all the fawning press given his position in the succession, and Harry has rightly been seen before as a dumbass teenager, but bully on him for doing the right thing.

Second, I agree with National Review's Iain Murray: it *is* a trifle disturbing to hear the third in line to the British crown have to defend his own patriotism. Has Western civilization really become that cynical?

I admit-- I am a coward. Not a physical coward, mind you; if me, my loved ones, or an innocent in my vicinity were ever directly threatened, I have no doubt I'd do whatever would have to be done.

But I *am* a moral coward, for I never had the courage to do what I always wanted to do: serve in the armed forces. I was always THISCLOSE to doing it, but the lure of other pursuits, the knowledge that I'd make more money by NOT going into the military, and finally, pure laziness prevented me from doing what I've often wanted to do.

That said, I do believe that my instincts at least left me in my civilian life with enough admiration and respect for our men and women in uniform, and the efforts they make on our behalf, that will at least give me the chance to enter an O-Club to buy them a beer anytime, anywhere.

I'm a firm believer in civilian control of the military-- as are the vast majority of our soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines. Wearing the uniform doesn't make one correct by default, and respect is not synonymous with deference.

That said, I respect the hell out of these guys and gals-- always have, and always will.

Except for the Air Force. Seriously, I can do without them. They're the "Office Depot employees" of the Armed Forces. Unless you've got the brass to hump 20-hour tanker flights outta Tinker, I've got no use for you desk jockeys.

(I keed, I keed. . . my best coworkers were Air Force. They know their Powerpoint and hole-punching, that's for sure! Plus, the ladies love your soft hands.)

A Reminder To The Garfield Ridge Readers.

Clean your mouse. Like, right now.

Gross, eh?

I'll never understand how computer manufacturers can justify poor peripheral design. Like, the keyboard with the open gaps that collects every disgusting hair, crumb, and flake of every person to ever use it. Or, the mouse trackball that is a magnet for the semi-solid pad smegma that sticks to the wheels.

Even optical mice aren't immune to this-- look at the gaps where plastic part meets plastic part. Odds are, you have a thin layer of dust, dead skin and gunk stuck in those gaps. Good luck getting it out (folded paper or the edges of envelopes usually do the trick to push that stuff out. . . Ewww).

The gaps along the side of your cordless phone? Ditto.

Gaps on the grips of your video game controllers? Ditto.

I'm no Howard Hughes, but seriously-- this stuff has GOT to be making people sick. I'm tempted to start walking around with a can of Lysol and a vat of hand sanitizer just to make it through the day.

It Gets Worse Update: I can't vouch for the authenticity of this article, but it *sounds* real-- a South Korean study labeled computer mice as the second-most bacteria-infested item in common contact, just after shopping cart handles, but worse than bus hand straps and even handles & doorknobs in public toilets.

Now, granted-- this was in South Korea. But it still sounds about right to me.

Even Worse Update: A University of Arizona study concluded that the average desk has *400 times* more bacteria than a toilet seat.

Time for lunch at my desk!

Do You Like Fried Calamari?

990-lb squid caught off New Zealand.  

That's a whole heckuva lot of cocktail sauce, folks.

Does The Gyroball Exist?

Jeff Passan has a neat little piece on the mysterious "gyroball," the baseball pitch popularized in Japan that may or may not in reality be a pitch at all. Is it just a sidearm slider? A fastball? What the hell is the dang thing?

Garfield Ridge Fun Fact: I throw like a girl.

Back To Boston, Yo.

Heading up to Beantown again this weekend-- this is my buddy Polak's wedding reception weekend.

He shared a great story about how the planning for his party is going:

Polak: "We forgot to get glassware."

Me: "Huh?"

Polak: "There's no glassware for the bar. We're going to have to use plastic cups."

Me: "Well, that's no big problem, I'm sure the guests won't mind a champagne toast with plastic cups."

Polak: "Yeah. . . we forgot to order the champagne, too."

I am SO glad I'm not planning a wedding, a wedding reception, a wake, or a funeral.

Anyway, the SigOther and I scored a great deal on a real swanky hotel. Back in October we did a "local vacation" at another Kimpton hotel here in D.C., the George, and had ourselves a fun time. We've both noticed that it's quite easy to get bored just hanging out around the house night after night, so we've both made sure to take at least one weekend a month to just get the hell out of the house, whether it's a trip out of town, or simply a change-of-venue in the local area.

Thankfully, I've managed to make an "in" with one of my co-workers who recently bought herself a beachfront condo down in Virginia Beach. When she and her family aren't using it, I basically get it for free (well, a nice bottle of liquor and the price of gas to drive there, but that's as close to free as you get in life). Got to use it back at Christmas, and we're going to use it next weekend as well.

And yes, before you ask: it's winter at the beach. But there's always a chance of a mild weekend in these parts, and even if it *is* cold, it's a beautiful area. Plus, we're going to try to do Jamestown and Yorktown on this trip-- I do love myself some history.

Anyway, here's the usual bleg for anything interesting going on in Boston or the Virginia Beach areas in the next couple of weeks. We're not going to have much free time at all up in Boston this weekend, but if there's something worth checking out, we'll do it.