Yeah, yeah-- I'm single.
How I got here is not important. If you feel the need to know, it was as amicable as a breakup can be.
That said, I'm on my own now.
I spent a weird day emailing friends, basically begging them "Hey, know any single hot chicks out there?" I received a few leads, but you know what? I've known for close to 20 years how hard it is to meet women in D.C.
D.C. has always been a hard town to date in. Oh, don't get me wrong-- there are plenty of beautiful single women here. The trouble is, universally, they are of such a hoity-toity nature as to make a simple Midwestern guy like me feel like a stranger in a strange land. I set a high bar, I don't placate, and I've paid for it in my life.
Anyway, I felt it would be humorous to share with everyone the email that I sent to a bunch of my drinking buddies today, the words that encapsulate what I'm looking for. Is it pathetic? Sure, it is. But is it honest? Yup, methinks so.
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Who I am: SWM, 31, originally from Chicago, in DC fourteen years. Salt-and-pepper hair, 5'10 and 265, definitely not a small man (but a big heart-- a big, tired, overworked ticker the size of a canned Krakus ham). Has a good government job, masters degree, financially secure, owns his own home in Arlington. Doesn't watch much TV, goes out to the movies a lot, likes nice restaurants, enjoys dancing like a madman when I get drunk, which is rare but does happen. Non-smoking, unless I'm on fire. Watches sports-- owns Nats season tickets-- but doesn't play any, unless you count Madden 2007. No pets-- likes dogs, ridicules cats. Wants kids someday but in no damn hurry. Never goes to church, heathen unbeliever (but it's okay if she's not-- she just shouldn't expect my ass to wake up for mass). Likes this area a lot, but not particularly wedded to staying here forever.
Oh, and I'm really fucking good at oral. Seriously, when dining at the Y I'm a grandmaster ninja, no drunken-monkey style at all.
Who I am looking for: Easy-going personality more important to me than looks, but c'mon, I do enjoy looking at a cute girl as much as the next guy. I don't carry around a paper bag, so the face must be better than the body. She doesn't have to be smoking hot, she can be a thick girl, she just can't be any bigger than my husky fat ass. Friendly, flirty, funny, smart enough not to drool when I use words like "acquisition" and "Constantinople." Patient, *really* patient. She's someone who doesn't mind staying in during the week, but enjoys going out on the weekends. Not looking for some crazy athletic chick-- if she ever fucking makes me work out, you chose poorly, people. She should like eating meat, not just the food that food eats. She doesn't have to be some super professional, but she should have a good enough job that allows her to go dutch every now and again-- I ain't cheap, I like picking up the tab for a nice dinner, just not every single god damn time. Kids are okay, but I'd prefer not, at least for now.
Oh, and ideally she should have huge tits. Seriously, fuck everything I wrote above, it all gets dumped in favor of a girl with huge natural tits.
Thanks for helping a brother out,
Dave
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Anyway, is that pathetic? I dunno. I've talked to just about everybody I know, I'm tired of being alone in this town, I certainly have no desire to be single any longer.
But hey, I don't placate.
We'll see what happens, folks.
UPDATE: Now that Ace has linked me-- and all his yokel regulars are pestering about what happened between Jen and I-- I guess I'll give you my final word on the subject.
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