The Garfield Ridge nightly news roundup:
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Denies Clemency For Tookie Williams. When asked for further comment, Schwarzenegger offered a slew of catchphrases, including "Hasta la vista, Tookie," "You're a funny man, Tookie, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last," and "I don't want to go to Saturn, I said Mahhhs."
President Bush: Race Not Factor In Katrina Response. Nevertheless, admits that "nostril size" might have been the wrong metric for determining which victims got rescued when.
President Bush Says He Does Not Live In A Bubble. He did say, however, that he was rather fond of that movie starring "that homersexual cowboy feller."
Bubble Boy, I wish I knew how to quit you.
Mice Created With Human Brain Cells. Mutant mice soon developed mastery of tools, ability to speak, and intense hatred of "that dumb fuck Kevin Federline."
Arctic Killer Whales Found High In Toxins. Doctors advise that you stick to eating dolphin steaks for the time being.
Partnership Of Federal, State and Local Officials Looks To Clean Up Great Lakes. Partnership's first recommendation? Eliminate Ohio.
Every Woman In Hollywood Grows To Look Like A Tranny Puppet. Don't take my word for it-- look:
Praying for the sweet release only death can bring.
Kate Beckinsale Photographed Smoking At The Gym. What, you didn't actually think she *worked out* to stay that thin, did you?
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