Well, this explains my lack of libido. And here I thought it was just the saltpeter milkshakes I was drinking.
Researchers in India found that men being treated for alcoholism had lower testosterone levels and more sperm abnormalities than non-drinkers did. They also had a far higher rate of erectile dysfunction (ED) - 71 percent, versus 7 percent of abstainers.
What a Catch-22! I need to get my women drunk to want me, but I can't drink if I want to be able to perform. Pshaw; as if I needed another excuse for using roofies!
Some past studies have suggested that heavy drinking can take a toll on men's reproductive health. One recent study found that couples had a higher miscarriage risk if the man had consumed 10 or more drinks a week around the time of conception.
How about 10 or more drinks a day? What would be the chances then? I mean, as long as I'm binge drinking, I might as well maximize my benefits.
To think, booze might actually *prevent* pregnancy! That sure would have been news to my Mom and Dad, methinks. But seriously, this news could turn the world upside down-- black is white; light is dark; dogs and cats, living together. We're talking mass hysteria, folks.
Also, it's known that alcoholic men can develop signs of low testosterone, including shrunken testicles and enlarged breasts.
Hmmm. What if you've got gargantuan testicles and enlarged breasts? What causes that combination? It's all the fu-fu drinks, isn't it? C'mon, just because they put an umbrella in my Mai Tai doesn't make it fu-fu, does it? Jack Lord and Don Ho drank Mai Tai's. Besides, my man-breasts feel softer at this size, I'm not complaining.
"Men are advised to refrain from chronic alcohol consumption if they want to procreate and lead a normal sex life," the researchers conclude in the medical journal Fertility & Sterility.
And if you want to avoid procreation and lead an abnormal sex life, your name is Andrew Sullivan.
According to the researchers, these findings likely reflect direct damage to the testicles caused by excessive alcohol. Alcohol, Muthusami said, enters the testicles directly and can both cut testosterone production and harm the quality of semen.
Wait, my balls can get drunk?? That sure explains college.
But the potential harm is not limited to men. Other studies, the researcher noted, have found heavy drinking to impair women's reproductive health as well.
Great, another "women's health" issue. Shit, we'll never hear the end of this now. Does the Lifetime Network know about this yet? Is there a lapel ribbon for alcoholic sterility? Quick, who wants to run a charity 5K?
Comments