Huge thanks to the Digital Brownshirt for sending me the oddest story of the weekend by far:
The people of Belgium have been left reeling by the first adult-only episode of the Smurfs, in which the blue-skinned cartoon characters' village is annihilated by warplanes.
The short but chilling film is the work of Unicef, the United Nations Children's Fund, and is to be broadcast on national television next week as a campaign advertisement.
Chilling? Are they kidding? I've been waiting my entire life for someone to get the nerve up to wax the Smurfs. I can't be the only one here who spent every episode rooting for that cat Azrael to pluck out the little blue fucks one by one.
A target-rich environment.
Wait. . . it gets even better:
The short film pulls no punches. It opens with the Smurfs dancing, hand-in-hand, around a campfire and singing the Smurf song. Bluebirds flutter past and rabbits gambol around their familiar village of mushroom- shaped houses until, without warning, bombs begin to rain from the sky.
Tiny Smurfs scatter and run in vain from the whistling bombs, before being felled by blast waves and fiery explosions. The final scene shows a scorched and tattered Baby Smurf sobbing inconsolably, surrounded by prone Smurfs.
The final frame bears the message: "Don't let war affect the lives of children."
Or, instead of children, Smurfs. Don't let war affect the lives of Smurfs.
To that I say, "Why the hell not?" What has their merry little hippie commune given the world anyway? The sing, they dance, they do shrooms, and they smurf that little tart Smurfette in her smurf day in and day out. And don't even get me started on that gray-haired know-it-all. I think we can all agree it's been a long time coming for someone to give Smurf Village the "Belgian Congo" treatment. Who better to kill in cold blood than Belgians? If only they weren't blue, but black, I bet the Belgians would really get a thrill.
Honestly, I don't think they went far enough here. Bombs from the sky? C'mon, how about some nice poison gas? You know, the kind Saddam "Completely Innocent" Hussein used to choke Iranian and Kurdish tykes in their own bodily fluids? I won't be happy until Brainy Smurf blisters yellow from mustard gas. Okay, I guess technically he'd turn green, what with that "yellow and blue make green" bit going on.
And really, if you're going to go this far, go whole hog. I want a sequence of Gargamel riding a chopper door with a '60, yelling "Do the whole fucking vil! Do the whole fucking vil!"
A little joke: how do you tell the difference between enemy Smurfs and friendly Smurfs? You fucking don't, you peacenik. If they run, they're Smurfs. If they stand still, they're well-disciplined Smurfs.
Man, I hope this concept catches on. I want napalm spattered across Teletubbies. I want Lazytown firebombed. I want those pigfucking Wiggles eaten from the inside out by cockroaches like E.G. Marshall at the end of Creepshow.
Okay, so that last one has nothing to do with warfare. It's just my own personal affectation.